Not much activity recently. Well technically none in 2010. Why? Honestly? I’ve not really seen the point. If getting things off my chest was going to work, I’d have thought I’d have felt better by now. Instead at the end of last year I hit melt down. It pretty much came to a head over Christmas when I fell back into old habits and since then have been trying to pull myself together.
You may ask how. Well the action plan is this. Ttc is basically out of the window. It just isn’t going to happen so now it’s damage limitation. There are a few people that I know may occasionally look through here and may have wondered why I’ve been missing in action lately. Well, then plan is this – total avoidance. If I’m honest if I could I’d avoid every pregnant woman in the world – unfortunately I still have to do the school run so I can’t avoid them there. But right now, for the sake of my sanity anyone with as much as a bloating from wind is on the list. I know this is really harsh – especially with people I’m really close to. But I know that they’ll understand that the denial from the last one nearly finished me off and I’m just not strong enough to put on a brave face anymore.
Instead I’m clinging to the things I do have control over. I’m working my socks off getting my web design thing up and running which is going ok. And I nearly have my teaching qualification in the bag. To top this off the diet has begun – pounds will be shed. Hell, if I can’t be pregnant, I may as well be thin. At least thin I’ve achived something that people can actually see. Right now I’m filling up every minute of every day so I don’t have to stop and think about quite how much effort I’m putting into the denial. I’m exhausted. I’m living on my nerves but I daren’t stop because more and more often it feels like I’m on my own trying to work out a way out of this issue. Mr T has accepted defeat and it seems like he’s just waiting for me to accept it too.
Hey precious,
I know the feeling, over the working yourself so that youy dont have to stop, I have been doing the same thing over the past few weeks, I am falling to pieces inside but if I keep up the momentum of activity perhaps I will stay together for a bit longer! I know at some stage exhaustion is going to take over and knock me off my feet, at that time I will fall to pieces, completely, in the meantime keep going I must!.
Obviously for me its different issues, I have not been trying to get pregnant, not even trying to get my wife pregnant as I gave that up many years ago when I realised I just ain’t man enough to do it.
Not sure where it all stops but at some stage stop it will, at which point those arround us will have to pick up the pieces.