Seven Degrees of Insanity

Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions.

The Kübler-Ross model, commonly known as the five stages of grief describes how people deal with the loss of something or someone close. The end of ttc for me is more difficult than deaths that I have dealt with in the past, if only becuase I know that if I changed my situation I wouldn’t have to grieve for this. However, what I stand to lose by doing this is my world. Right now the physical situation isn’t the end of the world. However, in order to actually obtain pregnancy, we have realised that massively times donor sperm just doesn’t work – the stress of timing it to the hour combined with the feelings of intrusion I felt every time just hampered our chances for the whole time, and ultimately produced nothing except two very upsetting chemicals. The alternative would be to walk away from where I am now. That would mean losing Mr T, and destroying the family my girls have for my own selfish needs. And I’m not about to risk either of those things – Mr T and my girls mean the world to me.

So back to the 5 stages of grief – and how they relate to how I’m dealing with ending ttc.

Denial - I’m still partially (massively) here. I can’t bear to even speak to pregnant friends as this would just acknowledge the fact that they have the ability to do what I can’t.  Even then I still hold out a glimmer of hope that someone might come up with some idea of how we could overcome this – short of immaculate conception right now I’m out of options.

Anger - This is the difficult bit to get past. Because of this I’m finding it easier to stay in the denial stage. The denial stage means I don’t have to lash out at people or acknowledge the fact that I resent this situation big time. Who am I angry with? Well rationally I’m angry at myself for feeling like this, at myself for not stopping Mr T from chopping bits off, at Mr T for not taking more time over the decision and the doctors for even considering it when we were that young. Irrationally I’m angry with friends for being able to fall pregnant so easily when frankly it was my bloody turn, at other friends who flaunt the fact that they won’t even consider breastfeeding (oh yes, I’m that nuts atm that I’ve gone all breast nazi). And none of this anger is coming out. Because I don’t want to upset anyone. Instead I’m getting the worst of it out by exercising hard at the gym – cycle has become, feel angry, excercise hard, get adrenalin, feel calmer, no actual issues solved, but I am getting thinner. And being thin is at least a distraction.

Bargaining - Am I doing this? Maybe. Just one more cycle type thing. Or it could be the swapping of being obsessed with ttc by being obsessed with something else in it’s place. Maybe the up moments are if I can’t ttc, at least make me young and attractive. This bit is all about clinging onto hope. So yeah, I guess this is combined with the denial. While I know it’s just not practical to keep doing this, I can’t quite let it go deep down. There’s still that tiny glimmer of light because while Mr T is done and dusted I’m still mildly capable, maybe. Maybe someone will turn up with the solution. The fat lady isn’t singing yet because I’ve gagged her.

Depression - I’m not sure how this differs from how I’ve felt about the whole thing for at least the last 2 years. Yes, now we’re reaching the end it feels worse. I’ve got a few of the less welcome symptoms back – I wake at night, I crash massively in the evenings, more and more often I sleep because I’m either too exhausted to keep going or I’ve resorted to painkillers. Mr T isn’t keen on using drugs as a crutch for dealing with head issues. But there have been so many times since the end of last year that I would have welcomed the fuzziness that medical help with sleep brings, just the ability to drift in a cloud of nothing and stop thinking for just a short while. I’m not entertaining the occasional thought of what if it all just stopped, the voices are there sometimes, but I can name at least 5 damned good reasons against it. Medical assistance is not a long term solution though. Right now I’m not sure what is.

Acceptance - I’ll let you know when I understand how I get to this bit.

Cheery. But at least I’m talking again, even if it is in written format.