Thank you Ms Plath.
Except I don’t. For the duration of the first few days of the happy pills we retreated as a whole family to stay with friends who like no other people on earth were able to support us and give us a springboard back into reality. It was a brilliant plan – we’d planned to visit anyway, but to combine this with starting the pills meant I had a whole host of people around me who understood and instead of judging or tiptoeing around me just got on with life.
So how did it go? The doctor was great. We did the usual ‘how nuts are you?’ test. His response was ‘do you agree you’re depressed?’ Hmm now let me think… I’m going with a yes mainly because I’m sat in front of you in tears telling you I want medicating. Was that a hint? So he gave me two weeks of happiness in pill form and told me to come back ‘for monitoring’ with lots of making me assure him that if I wanted to swallow the whole packet I’d call them first.
Knowing that the worst of the side effects happen within the first few hours, I’ve been taking them before bed (with good reason – it’s like being REALLY REALLY drunk). The first day, I felt stoned and sick and seriously considered never taking another one ever. Mr T was amazing tho, he dealt with the kids and essentially discreetly looked after me making sure I rested and ate properly.
Day two wasn’t as bad. I felt dizzy still and kept getting these weird trembles which mainly meant that my teth were chattering. To take my mind off it, we all went to the gym and I worked out for a good hour which has recently helped me just feel better in myself. I had to cut the running right down tho as I nearly fainted on the treadmill! Day two was also the first day of the headache which boomeranged for a few days.
Day three I started to feel ok. Mentally I mean. I went shopping with Lady G and while looking through the baby clothes still had that sinking feeling, I didn’t feel the need to run away. That evening I actually got the giggles for the first time in about 3 momths (maybe more – I can’t remember, but certainly not since Christmas). These were proper giggles where I actually had tears rolling down my face and had to work hard to breathe. Mr T and I both agreed whether this is the pills or just a placebo effect it’s so worth it.
Day four was the day we were returning home. That morning I had a lightbulb moment. I took the midgets out for a play in the park – watching them running about just being entertained by pretending sticks were swords made me suddenly in total awe of the innocence they have and how they find joy in everything. Later that day I made a point to lose my embarrassment factor, returning from a trip out I encited both girls to stealth their way through the town back to the car pretending to be ninjas (me included) – the looks we got from people were everso funny (and understandable considering there were two children and a 30 year old woman hiding behind lamp posts and bushes then running up the street singing the mission impossible theme tune). Ok, so it was a conscious effort to play, but once I started it just flowed and I lost myself in playing with them. If that’s not proof positive that it’s having an effect I don’t know what is.
Actually, I do. Because we’re now back at home and back in the usual routine. Now if the mood lift continues I’ll know it was the right decision. So today? Positive notes: I’ve not shouted at the midgets. I got up this morning and just was productive rather than hiding under the duvet and wishing it wasn’t morning. It’s now 10pm and I’ve not yet hit that awful low I’ve felt almost every day since last year. I’m not saying I’m skipping about singing oh what a beautiful morning. Instead it’s more a case that I can put the less pleasant thoughts to the back of my head easier today and focus more intently on the nice bits rather than listing all the bad stuff.
I think tomorrow will be the test – it’s usually by tuesday afternoon that I feel so tired I can’t go on. But for now I don’t care whether it’s the pills or a placebo effect. I feel ok. And I can live with ok.
Hey, SO glad that the pills seem to be working, just a word of caution, somethimes the effect seems to wear of a little a few weeks in and then things pick up again, it did that for me, I thought I was going great guns then wham, hit that wall again!
That, I am told is a normal effect that some, but not all, people suffer, but it hits you twice as hard because you had thought you were on the up, so what I guess i am saying is, don’t panic and dot fret that it will happen, it might not, but if it does happen, just hang on in there, it WILL go away again I prommise.
But generally I am so glad that you took this route I think it is an essential part of the healign proccess right now. Just continue to be kind to yourself, at least Mr T seems to be being very supportive and trying to help where he can, just let him do things to help pamper you. Because YOU ARE worth it, you must be, MrT says you are and his oppinion is worth something right?